Death By Perfectionism
I was running on a treadmill at 8:30pm and I could see my legs jiggle in the reflection of the dark gym windows in front of me.
I was training for an ultramarathon (50 miles to be precise) in hopes of losing weight in the process and finally achieving a body that I would no longer have to “manage” (as if there was a magical weight at which that would happen).
The problem was that my life at that time was incredibly stressful- I had moved back to my parent’s home to save money, working 80 hours a week in jobs that didn’t inspire me, I had lost touch with most of my social network, falling into emotional isolation as I tried to make sense of why it had suddenly become so hard to be my normal self: The happy, earnest, fun-loving young woman I was used to.
All of this emotional emptiness and lack of fun and fulfillment in my life caused me to fill myself up with food- subduing my rising anxiety and loneliness at the end of a long day with sweets, healthy food, even fruit, really whatever I could get my hands on.
I would sit alone in my car, spending my hard-earned money at a minimum wage job on the only source of joy I seemed to have: That one last packet of cookies.
Naturally, this means that all my marathon training wasn’t making me lose the weight I so wanted to lose, and here I was on the treadmill, pounding out the miles, inconveniently staring at my reflection in the dark glass of the gym windows in front of me.
I tried to focus in on the inspirational podcast I was listening to, but my eyes kept slipping down to watch my thighs shake as they landed with each step, pinging my brain with uncontrollable criticisms of my body.
“Too fat” “Not good enough” “Are other people seeing what I’m seeing?”
This hot feeling of not-enough-ness bubbled up my throat, making me catch my breath like a hot sob, but no tears were coming.
Trying to push through, I tried to shove down the feeling until I couldn’t take it anymore, and I walked off the treadmill. Once I reached to relative privacy of the gym hallway, I collapsed onto my knees, lungs heaving, and stared wide-eyed into space as I realized that I was having a panic attack.
Me! The uber-confident, successful, funny, hard-working, athletic, friends-with-almost-everyone Sophie Dalton!
It was scary to have a panic attack, but it was terrifying to not know who I was anymore- to not recognize why or how I had devolved to this place in life in which I couldn’t recognize myself.
What I didn’t understand then was that my panic attack was the result of placing all of my self-worth in my exterior successes.
My whole life, if I felt insecure in one area (let’s say sports), then I would try to offset it or convince myself that I was okay by working harder in another area: School, music, adventure, making people laugh, making boys like me.
I loved who I was and I enjoyed my life experience, but my confidence was constructed from the outside-in and was propped upright by shaky stilts of accomplishments.
When a strong wind blew and one of those stilts got knocked off (bad breakup, family struggles), my entire self-concept was threatened and imploded in on itself.
Over the last two years, I literally traveled far and wide- both on the surface of the planet and into the depths of my soul- To learn how to construct confidence from the inside-out.
The truth of all our souls is that we are already worthy, have always been worthy, and will always be worthy: We don’t need to set big goals to prove ourselves- to our own selves or to anyone else!
Rather, we set big goals and then work for them because we are already enough, because the world deserves to enjoy our gifts and we deserve to constantly deepen our own understanding of our worthiness by constantly shocking ourselves with how much good, creativity, and genius we are capable of.
Just know that wherever you’re feeling stress or panic around your own production and your own ability to prove your worthiness, you are already enough.
Anyone in your reality who might be trying to measure you or your worth based on how successful you are is missing the point. Do what you can to distance yourself from those people and those cultures and get yourself around people who see you for your greatness as you are, no accomplishments needed.
If you’re looking for someone to walk with you in your journey of coming home to your own worthiness, email sophie@soulfullexcellence.com for private coaching inquiries.
You deserve to live a life that is the radical embodiment of your worthiness.
And just in case you haven’t heard it yet today: I love you ❤
